Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Cut your Grass . . . or I'll fuckin' arrest ya!

The recession's in full swing. There's special offer's all over the place, constant sales racks, Ma's and Pa's closin' left right and centre. So meself and me brother Silas have decided to take over Simple Snr.'s garden maintenance business. Of course we've no way of competing with more established, organized and legitimate businesses on price, so we're taking the intimidation route instead.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Some amendments I’d like to make to ill informed Citizen’s last post.

The true origins of the Guinness Book of Records can indeed be traced back to Castlebridge, Wexico. Down south o’ the border with his good pal W.B. Nunn, slave owner and proprietor of the of Castlebridge grain store, Arthur went out for a spot o’ shootin’ on Ardcavan’s North Slob (swear to Ken Dodd, Wiki it if ya want) After shootin’ at many a wild fowl and a couple o’ tame felines the boys went back to Castlebridge house to imbibe a sup (Arthur has been reported to have been a mad annoyin’ bastard, always sayin’ “Look, I’m drinkin’ meself!”) As the evenin’ wore on and the boys became more and more inebriated on the intoxicating water soot, an argument arose concerning who had shot the most cats that day. W.B. that he had shot eight and Guinness had shot four, while Arthur insisted that W.B. shot nothin’. Before long the evening had deteriorated into fisticuffs and name calling. W.B., a renowned pugilist, most definitely had the upper hand when Afrika Bambaataa arrived in from a twenty two hour shift at the grain store. Afrika broke up the fight (though the name calling continued for some minutes) When W.B. explained what the fight was about Afrika suggested that instead of fighting that they should have a duel – the battle of the DJs was born. Lashing together a couple o’ hornographs Afrika invented the decks while W.B. fetched his ‘78s. As the boys got into the duel Malcolm McLaren swung by for a listen to the new underground sound and Afrika taught him how to spell Zulu. The duel was a solid draw and everyone went to bed pleased with the new music movement that they had just created, though W.B. was a smidge concerned that he may have ruined his bakolites. Returning to Dublin, Arthur trawled record shops, hunting for sounds to mix for his own unique blend. Knowing that he could easily collect more records in Dublin than W.B. could in Wexico, Guinness proposed that they have a competition to see who could amass the largest collection o’ ‘78s. He kept a note of all the records he collected in a small ledger, soon after renamed a book.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Record your records and in order

The birth of the Guinness book of records, contrary to popular belief and those who must enliven the world of erroneous facts with Wikipedia, the Guinness book of record originates from the James Gate brewery, in 1945 previous to these
“game bird deliberations”the good folk at Guinness upon taking count of kegs delivered, pints sold, and monetary taking and generally whilst doing the “books” for the year discovered such a rise it was remarked they had a “record breaking year” - staff were rewarded and as a morale booster a record was set to beat for the following year with promises of big returns for big returns. Staff took part in their own small contests within the brewery to challenge each other, how many cart loads can we load today etc, much akin to Hell Drivers but in a Brewery., and thus started a competition which was to turn into what we know today The Guinness book of records – it literally was just the Guinness record book but blossomed into so much more
Who knows why sales went through the roof that year it may be interesting to consider the following facts though:
Probably due to the fact December 3 - Oranges go on sale in Ireland for the first time since the end of World War II (easing the hangover did we start drinking more as hangovers became easier)
World War II was over.
This was during the brief period when opiates where included in chocolate manufacturing.
Availability of the vulcanised rubber prophylactic ,ushering in the end of the withdraw method.
Aurora Borealis spotted in the skies

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Loco-Motion Derailed Due to Lack of Citations

"Everybody's doin' the brand new dance now . . . "
Apparently neither Gerry Goffin nor Carol King could put solid proof behind this before the release date of the song, leading to Little Eva, Grand Funk Railroad and Kylie Minogue effectively bombarding the aurally equipped populous with poorly researched information. One judge said that he hadn't "seen so much faith put into hear-say and speculation since the McCarthy Tribunals". The estate of Geoff Goffin has been ordered to pay $15,000,000 in damages, while Carol King has been sentenced to public punishment. He whipping is scheduled for late September.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Death of a true Entrepreneur and inventor

Banford “Manhattan” Woodrow-Smythe (pictured above).

The anniversary of the death of a true gent and genius whilst never forgetting to live life, Manhattan as he became more popularly known for his love of the hooch and in particular that specific cocktail.

Triumphing over adversity in the face of prohibition being the philanthropist he was (an olden day secret millionaire if you will Pomp was not in his vocabulary) had many a speakeasy open and serving very cheap hooch to a grateful public. He was the originator of the gin shoe(a secret device much like a hip or templar’s flask hidden within the heel of a shoe for gin transportation) and the infamous Tommy gun yard in which the barrel magazine and barrel of a Tommy gun was filled with liquor and had to be drank in one. Infamous due to one incidence in which a patron, using his own gun subsequently blew a hole in his cheek and shattered his entire bottom jaw. Banford will be best known, or perhaps I should say unknown for his additions to the lives of the people of the world, Banford invented amongst other things, the asterix and square brackets, his infamous bear thinking chair (pictured):

was the birthplace of many things we take for granted.
the paperclip, the drinking straw, the door latch and the bookmark all born in that very chair. Granted they are not the TV, light bulb or phone, but something we use today just as much, sometimes more. So heres to Banford “Manhattan” Woodrow-Smythe, mines a Manhattan please. Respect to you sir. [RIP]

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Hammer of the Gods

Beatles Bigger than Jesus Fact! Painstaking research finds some conclusive proof :

John Lennon's height is 5 ft 10 in (178 cm)

Paul McCartney's height is 5 ft 10 in (178 cm)
Peak height was 5 ft 11 in (180 cm)

Ringo Starr's height is 5 ft 6 in (168 cm)

George Harrison's height is 5 ft 10 in (178 cm)

Jesus Height:

We do not know whether he was tall or short. The image on the Shroud of Turin (believed by many to be the burial shroud of Jesus) is of a man variously estimated to be 5' 11½" to 6' 2" tall.
Jews who lived in the 1st century CE were much shorter than this. Writer William Harwood comments: "According to a medieval writer, [the Jewish historian] Josephus described Jesus as an old-looking man, balding, stooped, with joined eyebrows and approximately 135 cm (4ft 6 in.) tall." 2 This is based on the standard 46 cm. long regular cubit -- an ancient unit of distance. Using the 53 cm. special cubit, Jesus' height would have been about 156 cm (5ft 1in.).

Harwood also makes the point that if Jesus were really 6 feet high, his height would have been so remarkable that he would certainly have been described as a very tall person by the writers of the Christian Scriptures.

Also bigger than Jesus

Elvis Presley height: 5 ft 11.75 in (182 cm)

Barry Manilow height: 6 ft 0.5 in (184 cm)

But we already knew that.

Although to be fair none of them would have a chance up against him in Top Trumps.

Firstly under conception – immaculate prob wins.

Cruifixions – one

Forgiveness – infinite

When it comes to being the bigger man Nobody is bigger than jesus


Saturday, April 4, 2009

Aslan Movie in the works.

Due to come out in summer 2010 is "Crazy World - the Story of Aslan, so far, so what" Spike Lee takes to the director's chair to tell the story of Dublin's favorite and hardest working son's. The film' primay focus is the troubled life of Aslan frontman Christy Dignam (played by Lou Diamond Phillips, pictured) Beginning with Dignam's troubled childhood in Finglas, through his toubled time working as a rat catcher in Balbriggan, before going on to take an in depth and unflinching look at his troubled time as the frontman of Aslan. Using Dignam's troubled life as a skeleton writer Steve Martin (of Bowfinger fame) is said to have fleshed out the script by interweaving some elements of early Russian theatre, which he says he found ran very closely to the troubles displayed in the Dignam's life story "Drama is only drama if it is dramatic, and Digman has a dramatic amount of drama to dramatise, but I could not find a path to make that drama dramatic enough, it would dilute the drama somewhat to simply dramatise it, so I needed some extra dramatic drama to show the drama that was already there". Filming only began last month and all those involved in production are keeping very quiet about what audiences can expect from "Crazy World", though in a recent interview on an American PBS fantasy baseball show Spike Lee did express his admiration of Aslan, sympathising that he knew what it was like "to be hated by your own peoples".
So here it is. The day has finally arrived. We perch poised at the edge of the presipice and peer pensively at assonance; this is it. Years of meticulous planning, organising and forgetting have gone into what you, the luck one, have just discovered in this world of internetery. Dr. Citizen Timepiece and The Rt. Revd. Distance Mariner have arrived to offer freely their wares as a single, moving entity for the first time, in one place, together, in unison, in the same place. Such double teaming hasn't been seen since Dustin Diamond's sex tape. The posibilities are limitless, for together we are the personification of potential. Our in depth knowledge was gained through decades of intense and forbidden meditation and physical training hitherto unknown in regions outside the realms of Tibetan folklore. We have seen the darkest corners of the human psyche and we are here today, survivors, holding a guiding light to those willing to follow our teachings.

Something funny will be posted on these pages. Give it time, grasshopper.