Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Cut your Grass . . . or I'll fuckin' arrest ya!

The recession's in full swing. There's special offer's all over the place, constant sales racks, Ma's and Pa's closin' left right and centre. So meself and me brother Silas have decided to take over Simple Snr.'s garden maintenance business. Of course we've no way of competing with more established, organized and legitimate businesses on price, so we're taking the intimidation route instead.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Some amendments I’d like to make to ill informed Citizen’s last post.

The true origins of the Guinness Book of Records can indeed be traced back to Castlebridge, Wexico. Down south o’ the border with his good pal W.B. Nunn, slave owner and proprietor of the of Castlebridge grain store, Arthur went out for a spot o’ shootin’ on Ardcavan’s North Slob (swear to Ken Dodd, Wiki it if ya want) After shootin’ at many a wild fowl and a couple o’ tame felines the boys went back to Castlebridge house to imbibe a sup (Arthur has been reported to have been a mad annoyin’ bastard, always sayin’ “Look, I’m drinkin’ meself!”) As the evenin’ wore on and the boys became more and more inebriated on the intoxicating water soot, an argument arose concerning who had shot the most cats that day. W.B. that he had shot eight and Guinness had shot four, while Arthur insisted that W.B. shot nothin’. Before long the evening had deteriorated into fisticuffs and name calling. W.B., a renowned pugilist, most definitely had the upper hand when Afrika Bambaataa arrived in from a twenty two hour shift at the grain store. Afrika broke up the fight (though the name calling continued for some minutes) When W.B. explained what the fight was about Afrika suggested that instead of fighting that they should have a duel – the battle of the DJs was born. Lashing together a couple o’ hornographs Afrika invented the decks while W.B. fetched his ‘78s. As the boys got into the duel Malcolm McLaren swung by for a listen to the new underground sound and Afrika taught him how to spell Zulu. The duel was a solid draw and everyone went to bed pleased with the new music movement that they had just created, though W.B. was a smidge concerned that he may have ruined his bakolites. Returning to Dublin, Arthur trawled record shops, hunting for sounds to mix for his own unique blend. Knowing that he could easily collect more records in Dublin than W.B. could in Wexico, Guinness proposed that they have a competition to see who could amass the largest collection o’ ‘78s. He kept a note of all the records he collected in a small ledger, soon after renamed a book.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Record your records and in order

The birth of the Guinness book of records, contrary to popular belief and those who must enliven the world of erroneous facts with Wikipedia, the Guinness book of record originates from the James Gate brewery, in 1945 previous to these
“game bird deliberations”the good folk at Guinness upon taking count of kegs delivered, pints sold, and monetary taking and generally whilst doing the “books” for the year discovered such a rise it was remarked they had a “record breaking year” - staff were rewarded and as a morale booster a record was set to beat for the following year with promises of big returns for big returns. Staff took part in their own small contests within the brewery to challenge each other, how many cart loads can we load today etc, much akin to Hell Drivers but in a Brewery., and thus started a competition which was to turn into what we know today The Guinness book of records – it literally was just the Guinness record book but blossomed into so much more
Who knows why sales went through the roof that year it may be interesting to consider the following facts though:
Probably due to the fact December 3 - Oranges go on sale in Ireland for the first time since the end of World War II (easing the hangover did we start drinking more as hangovers became easier)
World War II was over.
This was during the brief period when opiates where included in chocolate manufacturing.
Availability of the vulcanised rubber prophylactic ,ushering in the end of the withdraw method.
Aurora Borealis spotted in the skies